Who do I think I am? Some kind of writer?!!

 What’s on your mind, Asha? Facebook asks.

Answer: do you have the time to listen?(cliche!). Because it is a long list.

of people, of matters past, present and the future. Short term goals, long term goals (?)The beginning, the middle and the end... and so on. But then that is part of my existential angst. Like everyone.

The matter of perspectives is on my mind. For instance, when I look at something as “glamorous” or “romantic”, or blessed, I am not aware of, or do not want to be aware of the amount of hard labor, the sweat and the blood , the loneliness and the feelings of alienation behind all that. But then what is the use of my understanding? I mean, my understanding or not understanding, their understanding or not understanding doesn’t mean anything. Does not matter. Most of those doings, that I do or they do, are mindless stuff in any case. Anyway all that hard work obviously makes me or that person happy, hopefully. Also, I know it is naive of me or anyone for that matter to assume that everyone understands where you are coming from, all the time! As they say, you need to walk a mile in someone’s shoes... .

Related to this is another issue that comes to mind— my unfortunate habit of oversharing, of thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, pictures, activities... . Who fo I think I am? Some kind of writer? Right! Mostly I do it to just prove to myself that I am alive. And to share, to inform, a wish which is a double edged sword. Actually the predilection for extremes. It is either oversharing or not sharing at all. Have never learned that balance, that lesson of putting up, maintaining boundaries in the right place, at the right time. Well, maybe I have, in some areas, but not all. Now I know I am never going to master that. Apt for a jill of many trades, and master of none.

Then there is the matter of that young man and woman who have been calling me the past two days asking me to update my credit card details over the phone.They are scammers, by the way, and they are on my mind. News Gazette, I hope you are aware of the goings on regarding this matter. They said they are from the News-Gazette, which is the local newspaper for those who wonder.I am not pointing out their accents, I don’t want to assume anything. But it is sad.

All the things I have to do today are on my mind too.. Good that I have those things to do, and that I am able to. Still, can’t help but think of that old saying in Malayalam, നായ നടന്നിട്ട് കാര്യമില്ല, നായയ്ക്കിരിയ്ക്കാൻ നേരവുമില്ല. Translation, (for those who want to know, you may not want to, which is fine, which you already know, I know 😂) anyway, it just says that you are like the dog who walks back and forth thinking he is accomplishing something, and doesn’t have the time to sit and relax, when actually you know what. A metaphor for life on the whole - you are just running towards the end. One way or the other.

So those were some of the things on my mind just now. Now I have to go do my stuff. And wear the mask. Which I like!

Thank you for asking.

Onam is a feeling, many feelings

I have heard that before. And it felt right too. Now I agree with it —wholeheartedly. Well, it is a feeling of fullness, on the one hand. Of the stomach. 😀Kidding. But seriously, I had the good fortune to celebrate Onam with my mother and my sister’s family this year. It was perfect in every way, with the exception that some family members were absent, and one special one will never be there again. In fact there was some anxiety right before the day, as I hadn’t celebrated one for the last 10 years. My last Onam was the one we celebrated with my father. And exactly one month later, he was gone. And coincidentally, this year’s celebration fell on a September 6th, a Sunday, same as back then. A sensitive, disturbing time.

Like I said, it was a wonderful Onam. That little niggle of worry disappeared. Talked a lot, laughed a lot. Good times. Then as we were driving back to my place, the feelings started coming - in waves. It was a collage of memories, flashback scenes of old Onams, faces that were dear to me, the sheer happiness that seemed to envelope me. Onam is a feeling.

Memories

The brown checked border on my pattu pavada (long silk skirt) and the check blouse that my dad bought for me and my sister, as onakkodi. My baby sister was not born yet. Wonder what my brother was doing amidst all this! Like in a Hindu household, we started making pookkalam (flower design in the front yard) on Atham day. 10 days before the main day- Thiruvonam. We got up early, showered, picked flowers from the yard, wild and garden, and made simple designs enthusiastically. Meanwhile quarterly exams lent a different kind of excitement. Onam is the longing. For freedom, for good times, for gatherings. The anticipation.

The rains will have stopped by the time vacation started. That last day of the exams was the best, that feeling was the best! Smiling from ear to ear, we threw our bags down and set out to enjoy the season. The sun was shining, the world was bright and green. In the countryside, harvest season was in full swing. The heady aroma of harvested rice, going through the process of being threshed, boiled, dried.... .Ponds and little streams were overflowing and little fish jumped up and about. While little white “thumbappoo” and yellow mukkutti peeped shyly on the banks. And the dragonflies! They zoomed around like busy choppers and we chased them with abandon.

And on Onam day, the grand design of flowers that we planned on a notebook paper at first and then on the ground. And the memory of my mom letting us know, “ that’s enough of picking all the flowers in the yard, Appachan will get you flowers from town.“ And every year, he got us piles of flowers from the flower market,for Onam day. Marigolds, chrysanthemums, amaranths, ...we made our pookkalam. Our mother will be busy in the kitchen. Like a little whirlwind, she will be doing her magic shouting orders, directing others, and cooking away. Onam is family. The ideal.

And then the sadya. We sat on woven palm leaf mats and ate from banana leaves. My parents, my siblings and a few relatives. My father’s face as he smiled at my mom, at us.It was heaven. Contentment. All is well with the world! Carefree. Idyllic. That all encompassing feeling of loving and being loved. Safe and secure. Of belonging and being a part of something wonderful. It was Onam. The feelings of Onam. Onam is love. It is home.

And the lying around afterwards. As usual, mom would have gone overboard with the sadya items. (My mother who stood young and tall!) And we have a sneaky Onam on Good Friday, which , I hear , is now frowned upon by certain church authorities . Anyway, before all of today’s extreme pieties, we were fortunate to have had those days. So after lunch, we children lounged on the cool floors, tummies full and hearts bursting with joy. For a few minutes, then we were off jumping around again till tea time. As I sat in the car reliving those days again, I realize how dependent all that happiness was on my parents’ efforts! How they made it all so special for us. How hard they worked to make it so. And how we missed those days, and how we missed our father! I felt immense gratitude to them. Onam is a feeling - of gratitude. A blessed feeling.

Onam has its roots in Hindu mythology, but it is our national festival. Each Malayali regardless of caste and religion, wherever they are, observes it, celebrates it one way or the other. In awaiting our great King Mahabali, we are one. For me the last ten Onams were a blur. Somehow I pretended I was busy otherwise, and deliberately ”forgot” about it. But it was there at the back of my mind. In my heart. Maybe that is why it was so intense this time. I can never forget it altogether, as it is part of who I am, and how I feel. Such a feeling. Even without the sadya, or the new clothes, the Onam in my heart will evoke all kinds of warm feelings. Of wistfulness, of hope, and of love. And have to add, Appachan would have loved this Onam too.

Indians, skin color and the complexities of internalized racism: an evolving essay

Just now I read that the actress Priyanka Chopra tweeted her support for the Black Lives Matter movement, and many, especially Indian men, branded her a hypocrite because she endorsed fairness creams in the past. So what?! Do you think no other culture does it? The Chinese, the Koreans, the Middle Easterners, the blacks, the whites, — they all do it. Chemical peels, cover ups, creams, and whatnot. Most of the time it is to get an even tone, whether you are fair or dark. No one wants to have patchy, blotchy, hyper or hypo pigmented skin. ( although if you, an Indian woman, go to certain dermatology offices here, there is a chance that your skin problem may be looked at through racist eyes, not by a doctor, maybe, but by his or her minions - as if you are meant to have that problem, as if it was not a problem, but something as it should be, as if only she or people like her deserve to have “ problems” corrected. Implication - “are you trying to be white? As if you ever will be!”) And then there is the hair. There is the teeth, the chin, nose, the eyes... oh the lips! the list goes on. For whatever reason, people get this idea of beauty. Even Elizabeth Taylor got a nose job! And a chin job, and numerous other jobs. It is not that we run after just fairness, we run after youth too, by the way, otherwise why do we dye our hair? Vanity, thy name is human. And then there is the tanning craze. They are not necessarily adapting to “white cultural standards”. But the criticism by these Indians are that, in these times.

Internalized racism

Many of these people, who try to change their appearance, rightly condemn this particular blatant racist act. Do you call them hypocrites? So why call Priyanka one? Makes one wonder - is it racism? Sexism? Or plain envy? Actually I figure that it is internalized racism on the part of the Indian male or female to just assume that any dermatological treatment to enhance on the part of an Indian is naturally their wanting to be white.These assumptions do not have a simple basis, obviously. The only benefit of this kind of oversimplification and jumping to conclusion is for the person who does this - to convince themselves that they are anti racist and enlightened.

No one laments, “Woe is me! I am not white!”

The other side, especially the earlier side, when we had our caste system at its strongest, where we worship white, fair, light skin tone. The same Indian man who called Priyanka a hypocrite will only marry a fair skinned girl! Now that is problematic. I am not blaming anyone here who wants to be straight haired, blonde, blue eyed and tall and willowy. When a girl grows up in a society where fairness is the ideal, the perfect, the true standards of beauty and success and power, it is natural to want to be like that. And if she grows up in a society where the dominant majority are white, and if she is on the receiving end of slights and name calling and discriminatory behaviors, the problem gets an altogether different aura. In India, it was the lighter skin tones of some upper caste individuals and newcomers. Although the blending has been going on for thousands of years, and nome among the current population is “pure” upper or lower caste, there are still vestiges of this notion here and there. The colonial powers added to this nonsense, but in this time and age I do not think there are that many in India who still hold on to whiteness as perfect or the ideal. I don’t think anyone sits there lamenting and beating their chests, crying “ woe is me! I am not white!” (Maybe in the Northern part, there is! I am not sure) Most of them are not even aware of the existence of white people! Anyway, if there is this idea in some people’s minds, naturally, but obviously mistakenly, some of them will look upon themselves as somehow inferior, ugly and different or inadequate in a bad way. Even less human. And the trouble gets bigger, when the white or any other person from a dominant majority starts to think s/he is somehow better and perfect than that person with the darker skin. That s/he is the only one who deserves all the good things in life.

The construct

Mind you, even in that dominant white group, not everyone has straight golden hair and blue eyes! But many of them pretend that they are all that. And here enters the sprays, bleach, the peroxide, the colored lenses for eyes, and of course, surgery. Many whites’ “typical Caucasian” features are constructs. Just like the North Indian who pretends to be something better than the South Indian. Who thinks he is white! And mocks his fellow country man based on skin tone. Which again is the same as some of his own family members! With all the henna and the bleach, they still remain brown. Come to think of it, it is ironic that the North Indian Priyanka finds herself in this pickle!

Now let us look closely at some of the deep rooted reasons behind this inordinate worship of whiteness, be it on the part of Indians or any other black and brown race. As said before, caste system and slavery found a perfect partner in crime in colonialism. Plain, old greed for wealth and power took a more devious and dangerous turn when they started using skin tone to initiate and perpetuate oppression. And racism was nurtured and it flourished. If we look at history, any older culture who have been dominated by a newcomer group goes through this. I remember the panic and frustration and total disbelief of certain white people when a group of archaeologists and scientists said that the ancient European was dark skinned. Or that the ancestors of all people are in Africa. They wanted to believe that they had dropped down from the skies!Much like the so called upper castes of India. Actually once I listened spellbound to a half white half North Indian declaring that all North Indians were high caste and South Indians were low caste! So much for superior intelligence that was once touted to be the monopoly of the Westerner.

And I did not see any Indian take umbrage when that great humanitarian George Clooney talked casually about a pathetic occurrence in a rich country as “something that would happen in aThird World country”. That is assumption, racism and hypocrisy all rolled into one handsome white celebrity. Or when another philanthropic celeb says “showing that even the tall, blonde foreign lady wanted to use it" when she is describing her philanthropic work in a certain Third World country ( this is from an article in Vogue), no one seemed to be aware of the disturbing sense of racial superiority on the part of this lady. She might as well have added “Aryan”!Which by the way is an Indian word, which means "noble", not racist. And to the ones who think and say smugly that they will shine like jewels in India among all those dark people, it may be a wrong shine. As in the case of the above mentioned blonde saviour. Those poor Third World women are too busy putting the next meal on their tables, living their mundane or not mundane day to day lives, not think of , let alone adore your skin color. They may see you as strange, as alien, so far removed from their own realities, not necessarily as a paragon of beauty. And as for the adulation by many of the male set, there is that colonial/caste worship of whiteness, but to many, sadly, white females are easy. Sorry.Very wrong, I agree.

And as for us Indians, we are in the shadow lands. Especially in a western country. We could be perceived as either black or brown or Latino or Asian or even white (like the North Indian who condescendingly lets you know that you don’t look like a South Indian! As if it is a compliment! )or no one, depending on the beholder. We could be invisible to many. Our children have to do ten times better than the white in order to get ahead. No problem, we think and hope that it would make us all better human beings, build character. Heck, we don’t even have our own nationality. They call native Americans by our name. That is fine too, because many of us have a little bit of native American in us too. A teeny tiny bit. And because we are in the shadow lands, we have to fear too. Our young men have been murdered by white men who have walked free afterwards. The other side is that if it had been a black or brown perpetrator he would still be in jail, or dead. I have been afraid when my son goes for a run outside. We do not talk about it outside our “safe” walls, out of politeness? Fear? whatever it is, we do not want to make waves, so anyone can get away with saying or doing anything when it comes to us. We are aliens. Just like we women back home keep quiet and out of sight, under the radar. We behave like good little kids before nuns. We say things the dominant majority likes to hear, we keep quiet when they want us to, and we try to keep out of the way, keep our heads down. We pretend we didn't get their racist comment. Most of the time we are embarrassed for them.

The layers of racism are visible in all walks of life. One instance is the medical field. While it could be blamed on the subtle and not so subtle takeover by power mad corporate culture, racism may be another factor. I suspect that the slow stripping of the powers of physicians and surgeons in both private and public sector is related to this. Indians, do you know what doctors are called here? Providers! It is all well and good that the administrative group wants to blur the distinction between doctors, nurses, physician assistants and nurse practitioners. But then why should the doctors go through all that trouble to get into med school, spend years studying hard, and long, jumping through numerous loopholes, over high hurdles, getting the training , incurring massive debts, foregoing all social life,if there is no distinction among the different groups? And why not call the CEO and all the assistants and clerks Managers? Well, there are many Asian and Indian doctors in this country, and the majority of the doctors in the government hospitals and clinics are from these groups. And that could be one significant reason that this stripping of power, putting them in their place, this is all they should get mentality on the part of the higher ups is taking place. But that is another story. And we still accommodate, oblige.

Now we see “Karens” cropping up everywhere in the news. The very obvious, conspicuous racist. That to me, even though, is just like some caricature, is also very real. But that is just one kind. There are layers and layers and degrees of racism, most of which we ourselves are unaware. Sticking a placard in your front yard about “hate does not have a place here” or holding up a Black Lives Matter sign or grinning at a person of color does not make one not a racist. I have experienced toxic hatred from such apparently humane persons. Again, it is complex— exaggerated feelings of entitlement, envy, begrudging Others’ perceived good fortune/easy life, ignorance, basic bad nature are just some add ons to racism. The bottomline being “ all are equal, some are more equal”.

None of that stands out now in the light of what the mothers of young black men here go through on a daily basis. To not feel safe in the hands of those who are supposed to protect— just because of your skin color. That pain and fear and anger — that makes one stop and think and feel. We are familiar with this in India too. So this is to Indians. Don’t waste time branding your celebrities this and that when they use their well earned platform to protest great injustice when they see it. Instead look around you, do you see a young man from the so called low caste being stepped on by our law for no reason other than his caste? Getting sacrificed when the dominant group decides, be it in politics or war. They are fodder. Then they are forgotten.

Having said all that, I still admire and respect this country. Especially, its advances in every area of our lives, its women who paved a freer way for the new generation, its way of life. I still look up to it in many ways, and have great expectations for it. That a woman can walk alone anywhere or has the option to, and not be judged — that is one of the main reasons I feel great calling this country my home.

For a great country, being aware of the evil , shameful and totally wrong practices and attitudes and ideas of racial discrimination is urgent and important. Racism is a blight on its noble brow. Also important is the awareness of the past, humility, forgiveness, reparation and reconciliation to all those who were affected, be they native American and/or black. Those are not weaknesses, that is the sign if greatness, of sanity. Exclusion and division is always hurtful and end up destroying civilizations. That is one reason I admire Obama and Carter.I know there are many in any dominant group who mean well, who want to do good, who are empathetic and evolved. So here’s to hoping for a real new world filled with love and ideals of global and national brotherhood/sisterhood.

PS: To me, it makes no sense at all to blame Russia or China or anybody else for all the election troubles here, Democrat or Republican, I think it is the whites, the majority here, who are responsible for electing their leaders. They elected Obama, and then they elected Trump as a backlash against Obama. And then they got embarrassed. They were uncomfortable at seeing themselves , albeit, an over the top version, in Trump. Both the Presidents were and are Americans, fyi. Then they elected Biden. Just my opinion.

Whoever itiit ks, I wish all the best for this great nation.

Asha Bernard

Astrology with cruel intentions

Sadly, I have come to the realization that I am not a very good  judge of people. Why this epiphany now? Because of an astrologer. Now, I am not a hardcore believer of astrology, although I do think that if you believe in the existence of God, then you could also believe in astrology. But I am digressing. I listen to some of my favorite astrologers sometimes, because I think basically they are nice people who try to see the good in people, all people, and who wish for the best for others, all others, at least in theory. I do not listen to them for their predictive abilities, but because they make one feel good, hopeful, and be more understandng and kinder to one's fellow human beings. But today I listened to this astrologer -- this is not the first time I have heard her talk-- and I couldn't listen till the end. Halfway through I stopped. I came away saddened and disappointed. I know there have been evil astrologers in history who read into the panetary movements, what they wanted , what served their interests, but in this time and age, I thought they were obsolete. How could I have missed her bias till now? A puzzle.

The alacrity with which she vilified and judged certain nations, ie, India and China, and kept quiet about the glaring stupidities and blatant racial prejudices of others and the eagerness with which some of her commenters accepted it was an eye opener to me. And she was "gracious" enough to reply in kind  to each of her commenters who extolled her "sanity" and "empathy". A group that embraced hatred and division. To sum it up, China and India are evil hypocrites, the implication being the western world is saintly and innocent. You might say that I shouldnt pay attention to what a few internet trolls say, or what an astrologer talks about on her youtube channel. Everyone, even little kds and puppies have a channel these days. But this particular astrologer is no illiterate ignorant person. She has written books, appeared on television, is well known. well, not that that makes anyone great and good.

Now I do not condone when any nation or its  leader, including India and China, hurt its people, knowingly or not. And believe me, I know they are no saints. Actually I don't know why I defend China. They do not particularly like us Indians. Come to think of it, not many people like us Indians! To be fair, the fault may be shared equally between them and us.  But shouldn't there be a little fairness somewhere? A balance in perspectives? For instance this astrologer was looking at history in relation to significant astrological events. And all she could come up with was the Spanish flu of 1918. In my comment, I reminded her, in case she had forgotten, of other events, such as when the native Americans were given diseases and killed off by the greedy grabbers, and when a whole nation was turned into opium addicts, or when human beings from almost a whole continent were traded as slaves. (She wasn't understanding at all.The comment was deleted.)I was really curious as to what the planets were doing when these events took place. And I had assumed astrologers were humane and empathetic. Maybe it wasn't intended, but the hatred towards races other than the white, peeped through that "understanding" facade. May she was saying stuff that she knew her followers like to hear. Their goodness and superiority vs the others' evil nature and inferiority. And in her response to one hateful comment, she even cited freedom of speech. Apparently, freedom of speech for some, not all. Why else would my comment be deleted?

The deep understanding and moral highmindedness was amply displayed by a description of the Hopi Indians' belief in the great cycle of  life, the ups and downs of peoples, down the ages. What a sublime thought! But I got the feeling that that understanding is reserved only when it comes to the Western man's actions. An excuse. That doesn't apply to the others, obviously. I would have thought it would be nice to apply it to all humanity. 

This youtube encounter may not be that serious or significant in the grand scheme of things. Nonetheless it is scary and worrying when even a seemingly innocuous field, ( I mean, it is astrology! you can take it or leave it}, is fanning the flames of hatred, very subtly and wearing a saintly, understanding face. Then what havoc can a really "legit" institution, say, religion, and/or government, cause? and then there is that"East is east, west is west, never the twain shall meet!"

Improprieties of the enlightened Malayali

Malayali has always prided himself for his enlightened culture, tolerance, and sense of fairness.
Not always implemented of course. But on the whole, commonsense prevail. Fingers crossed.
So I am hoping tht we will wake up from this stupor too.
I am talking about our social media activities. The posting and the sharing of events and incidents that happen around the world. Informative, funny, many of those do expand our horizons, grant us exposure to a whole new world, a world which was so remote, so alien to us once upon a time. So what there are too many fake stuff among them all? In the end, we hope the good will outweigh the bad. Because I do believe in the enormous power of this awesome and awful machine to educate, to awaken and to democratize us. And it is all so easy to access too! Even those who till the other day looked down on modernity, on art, music and literature, people who were literate but were afraid of imagination and creativity and just plain humor, are all on a sudden clicking away to glory! Of course, many of those same folks in between were hit by a tremendous surge of guilt and fear too. Are we supposed to have fun with this? Are we supposed to be happy? Or free? Isnt that sinful?
And sure enough there are those cunning dividers lurking around who will now make sure that people don't get too cozy or too friendly, aren't there? They have to take back control, the power. Not too much of the democratization. So then comes the religious  and political sharings and postings and so on.

Enough with the preamble. What made me write this right now is a post that I did not see. A post that was, thankfully, not shared with me. There have been other posts like this. But this one is too close to home. A person related to me, distantly, but since we all live not that far apart back home, he is someone we know really well. I remember him even though I have not seen him in a long time. It is from my mother that I learn that he had taught me a little when I was very young. And that is why she let me know of his passing away. It was a shock to her as he was younger than her, and the manner of death was sudden and obviously, tragic. He was on his way to  a visit to his doctor along with his brother in law. Both lost their lives in a horrible traffic accident. Very sad, a great loss, especially to his family. But what was  disturbing was that someone recorded the accident, including images of the person lying dead, with his clothes in disarray, you can imagine the rest. And he posted it on social media. When I listened to this, I was taken aback by the total lack of respect for the dead man, for his family, for the dignity of a human life. This did not happen in a big city. Actually it happened not far from his home. It is a small place where eveyone knows everyone. I know this is common now all over the world. Newspapers and tabloids have done this all along and now the internet is full of these kinds of news. Well, that is how our attention is captured by the media to events that should shock us. Freedom of speech, freedom of expression in full active mode. For good, for bad, for fun, for a whim.

But this is on a kind of personal level, a first for me.I can't imagine what goes on in the minds of those who relish posts like this. Just because something is easy to do, just a click, it doesn't mean you have to do it. These kind of posts do not  add to our knowledge or understanding of the world or of our fellow human beings. It does not make us look smarter or more worldly wise, nor does it help advance the frontiers of human civilization. But still many dismiss basic human sensitivities and record such private, intimate events, and post, and others fall into the trap of "sharing". Of course many do it for the money. How easy has it become to feel that we are important , intelligent and  aware of what is happening around us through a little click! Because that is what all the sharing means in the end.

But what was even more shocking and disgusting and shameful was the fact this post was shared by my own relatives. Why? Maybe they have convinced themselves that they are doing this to share the pain, to understand the awful tragedy, or is it a scare tactic on someone's part? Showing others that this is what happens to all in the end? As if no one knows that already! Or is it plain meanness or just plain ignorance?Maybe I am wrong to feel this anger and sadness and shame? Maybe this is the norm? I don't know, all I know is that there should be some line which we shouldn't cross. Some boundary that we need to keep. That there should be respect, and the knowledge that some acions are inappropriate, improper. To me, this is disaster porn. A callous disregard for the feelings of others.

Would be great if we shared our love, not inflict pain and insult on others. At least be aware that this is not an alien, isolated being who lies dead there. To remember that he is someone's son, father, husband, brother, someone's relative, friend ... Would be nice if we stopped and thought about it a bit  before posting or sharing something like this. And that goes for me too. Malayalis can do better than this, we don't have to copy the bad stuff from around the world, there are plenty of good stuff that we can copy, that we can aspire to.

And I record my regret and sadness that this person's  family have been subjected to this cruelty, this indignity, in their time of  loss and sorrow.

race and gender

race vs gender and other related issues

Having lived this long, one thing I am sure of is that it is almost impossible for all women to unite. I am stating some by now obvious facts here, maybe. Starting with our personal relationships, depending on where we are geographically, many of us are conditioned by our patriarchal culture to please others, please men and/or other powerful authority figures, and also to compete against other women for the attention of a man. Then there are those of us who are plagued by the “ I am not a feminist, but....” syndrome. Again, that fear and need for approval is behind that.

Next, there is the envious, begrudging group. (Now this is applicable to all humans, not just to women.) Not just envy, but the strong desire to see the subject of our envy bite the dust, be hurt badly , or even die. She or he may not have done anything good or bad to you, but just the fact that s/he exists, or that she is successful gets to you. Greed, and the uncontrolled longing for their lives, to grab what is theirs, to conquer and possess. The very obvious example is colonialism. But this is all around, again, within our immediate circles, and this plays out in gender and race areas too. These days, especially with the booming social media, and the celebrity culture, people seem to be lessinhibited in displaying this kind of hatred. But then this is the same envy that makes some men commit atrocities against women. A milder but still destructive form of this occurs in our personal relationships too. Now, if you venture into in-law territory, unless there is some sort of miracle, you can say goodbye to female sisterhood! Along with this goes the entitled group, which believes that they are the only ones that deserve anything good, deserve to win all the time. Class differences play a big role here too.

Now let us assume all this can be overlooked when it comes to a common cause, say, child abuse. Soon something even more elemental comes in. The past. History. (Now, when we talk about history, or racist and sexist historical figures, we could say that they were products of their times. Even Gandhi was said to be racist towards Africans in the early days. But later when he experienced racism from the whites, he realized his mistake. But there are a few who trascended the values of their times, which is incredible).

So, Unresolved issues from the past. Race. When Oprah, the great advocate for women, supported Barack Obama rather than Hillary Clinton, I realized that race won. Granted, there are times when gender and race issues unite, but not always. When I listened to Mruduladevi’s speech yesterday, (shamefully, I have to admit that is the first time I heard that voice, by which I mean, their story, or a small part of it, in their own voice, words) I became aware again that the past is coming to wake us up, that mere gender membership is not enough for women to unite. So much pain and anger of a whole group has to be addressed. If, even in this age, I say, ”us and them”, when I talk about my countrymen, something is seriously wrong.After all, if we went back far enough, we may find that we are all related -- yes, upper and lower castes, North and South, Hindu and Christian and Muslim and Parsee.

Listening to that speech made me feel guilty, ashamed , and rightly so. But I also felt a sense of futility, and a feeling that I had no right to say anything in the face of this powerful collective experience. Or rather whatever I say would be inadequate or worse, patronizing. But then if all of us feared that or more unpleasantness, and kept quiet, we will never come close to unity. We have to talk. Dialogue.Add to this, the other big big divider - religion. Divisions within religions. Catholics, do not be complacent. “Upper caste” “ first Christians turned Catholics” apparently threw the Holy wafer at the “low caste” “new converts”during Mass — learned that from Mruduladevi’s speech. We still do not even think of marital relationships with the Dalits. (They may not want it either, I am sure , but again, it is the principle).

Even though the Indian Constitution calls for secularism, the patriarchal culture will not relinquish its mighty weapon of controlling the masses, amassing wealth for themselves and their allies in the political and business world. Another important function of religion is of course, to keep women in their place. And many of us do fall for it, or have no other way, we are so intimidated by it all. And no one wants be a pariah, which means it is no longer just gender, but class and race too. Because think about it, we know what religions can do to pariahs - the outcasts, the so-called low caste,to widows, to orphans. 

Note: finally, if we have a handful of girl friends who gets you, and with whom we can be ourselves, then count yourself lucky. Thank goodness for small blessings!