ashsays

 Patterns

I see a pattern in some of my recent dealings. Well, over time I have seen many different patterns in my life, patterns that sometimes I shouldn’t allow to perpetuate, but does anyway. Not going to analyze what is behind that attitude right now. In any case, one instance was when I went to this Hindu temple. Even though I am not a believer in gods and organized religion, at that point in time, I respected spirituality, that supposed positive energy centering around a certain spot where people sent up their prayers and good vibes, hopefully, over centuries . And an incidental pattern here - my eagerness, sometimes, to please, to belong, to feel good with my friends. And it was a secret! At my age, I shouldn’t have been so thrilled to be keeping such a secret, any secret, but I was. I was a good girl in my youth, and you can deduce the rest.

Anyway, the visit with one of my friends went well. I was enamored of the interiors and surroundings of the little temple, the rituals and the traditions. I conveniently forgot that I was not allowed in there, because I was not a Hindu. It was a collusion between me and my friend who is a Hindu. (Which pact later was broken, which was a betrayal to me, by the way, and I felt a rift between me and the friend. Not a big deal that the “ secret” was out, but still, it disturbed me some. I shouldn’t have been, I guess. )The  next day I visited a Church too where miracles were supposed to happen. For an atheist, this was way out of character, as you may have noticed..  Coincidentally, a “miracle” happened the next day. Well, kind of. So now I had to pay the gods. This time, I went alone to the temple. This is when the pattern occurs. I knew I was going to feel bad, but still I went ahead and did it. I went to pay the gods to the cash counter at the temple, and told the priest there that I was not a Hindu, and if I could enter the temple. He said, no, not that. I said ok, I would like to pay the nercha for a wish granted, and wondered maybe he wouldn’t take a pariah’s money, as touching and using that may entail a cleansing of the temple. Not a problem there! He gladly accepted the money. I came away from that spiritual place feeling hurt, sad, angry, and dirty. As if I had tainted myself and him with the whole experience. What did I expect? Even though I had known this was what would happen, I went ahead and did it like that. No one to blame but myself.

Recently I sent an article to my local newspaper. Even though there were doubts as to their accepting it,  because it is specifically about my culture, which was not easy for them to relate to, or they knew their readers would not,  and it stated some ugly truths, I went ahead and did it. I reasoned that it is my voice, and I am one of the voices that exist around here. And when they did not publish it, I was disappointed, even though both their not accepting it, and my being disappointed at that was expected.  

Somewhat similar is my dealings with a rude neighbor. It was a sharp jolt to my system when I first encountered that baseless hatred towards me. Inviting someone to your house and then treating you like you don’t exist - even though I have been subject to versions of it before, never had I felt such intense, visceral aversion. After this happened twice, apparently, I was still not convinced! How else could I explain my accepting her invitation again? I am not a masochist, I think, but I do give people the benefit of the doubt thanks to my upbringing. It is always my fault, according to my people. So again I go, and experience that utter degradation where she and this time, her husband too, speak over my head while standing near me, complement someone’s potluck item profusely, without touching it. And ignore me and if at all her eyes landed on me, turn away suddenly like she was shot. So it was mind boggling to see them both turn away from me and stuff their faces with the dish I had brought! What is this, kindergarten? The hatred and rudeness towards me did not stop them from eating that, sort of like the priest in that temple! So what do I do? I make it a point to get her attention and say my proper goodbyes to her as a guest at her place, deciding never to be in that space ever again.

One reason for this pattern that I can discern is that it gives me a sort of closure. Making  sure that I did my part. Another variation of this maybe picking a fight with someone or something that you would not want to have anything to do with ever again. Burning bridges, however, is not ideal. That I have learned over the years. But, I do need  a kind of closure, and this pattern facilitates that, for good or bad. But then we never know, things change, of course.